I’m crying. A lot. I’m angry. “Why the heck am I going through this? I mean where does this kind of pain come from?” I asked. He just stared back at me. All the rhetoric and phraseology and knowledge that I have been told about this man said me that I should see the love in his eyes, that if I just come to him he could fix my problems. And I want to. Desperately I try to but all the trying on my part could never part the seas. So I sit there as a cascade of tears drains my heart.
“So how’s college been going?”
“O man, it’s just been phenomenal. Honestly, the people here are incredible.”
“Good, good.” He jotted something down on his legal pad.
“So you say that the people are great, yet you still struggle with anxiety around them. Can you talk a little more about that?”
“Well it’s not around all of them, just some of them. Mostly when there’s a lot of people in the room that I don’t know.”
“Hmm, so why do you think large groups of people make you anxious?”
“Gosh, I don’t know. It could be something that goes back to high school or maybe it’s just because I’m an introvert. Yeah, I guess I don’t know exactly.”
“Ok.” That’s all he said but I knew something else was brewing in his mind. I had seen the look before. We sat in silence for a few minutes and then he asked me,
“Do you remember the first time you came to see me?”
“Ha! Yes, yes I do.”
“Ok good”, he chuckled, “Well I want you to go back to that moment. I want you to go back to all of those moments. All the junk and fear. Wade through it and see where it takes you.”
So I hop in the time machine and it all rapidly rushes upon me like a violent storm. The hurt and fear scrapes the glass. The anxiety and shame pounds against the walls. But inside I feel safe and the memories start to lose their ferocity, the pounding hail melts into a warm, slow rain. Each precious droplet – so filled with the adversity of moments, months, and years – now separating the rays of the peaking sun into a translucent blanket of color. Inside I feel safe. All is warm. All is peaceful. All is as it should be.
“Can you do that for me?” He asks with glistening and caring eyes.
I just stare back at Him. All the rhetoric and phraseology and knowledge that I have been told about this man said that I should see the love in his eyes. But they were wrong. What I see is the love pouring out of his eyes. Warm and friendly tears. Precious droplets, packed with the potential of beautiful color.
So I sit there as a cascade of tears fills my heart. And I feel safe.
All is warm. All is peaceful. All is as He made it to be.