I am Insecure.

ben1999052

I am an insecure person. Want proof? Well, I’m most likely worrying about whether or not you like what you are currently reading. But that’s in the future, now I’m just worried that if I post this people will assume that I’m another one of those self-absorbed bloggers that thinks every word he writes is bursting with original thought. Oh and now I’m worried that after you finish reading this you are going to evaluate my life based on what I say. I think you get the picture…

Seriously though, I am affected more by what others think about me than I could even imagine! Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I were completely oblivious to the people around me. I probably wouldn’t bother with my hair or ever dress up. I’d probably sing and dance more. I’d most likely end up looking like the picture above. Yep, that’s me, lovin’ the mud in 99′. Now, I understand that these are silly and kind of obscure examples but I think there is a greater tragedy here.

If I have learned one thing this year it is that all that matters in life is Jesus and people. Jesus himself said that life is about loving God and loving people (Matthew 22:34-40). Anything I do that is solely for myself is trash and worthless. So what does this have to do with insecurity? What I have found is that I build huge walls in my relationships. I refuse to be completely real and honest with my friends and family. I hold in compliments and truths about these amazing people just because I feel a little awkward about telling them. Now if that is not doing something solely for my own sake, I don’t know what is. My selfish worrying robs the people that matter most to me of truths that God wants them to know. I horde the glory that God has put in them all to myself. It’s like I’m the mailman that just won’t deliver the package.

What’s worse is that my insecurity damages the most incredible relationship I could ever have. I am so caught up in myself that I forget about Jesus. I forget that “[I] am Christ’s, and Christ is God’s” (1 Corinthians 3:23).  In my pride I put my old dead skin over what Jesus has given me. I don’t trust him enough to work through my weaknesses.  I lay a terrible mask over my face to cover the insecurities that Jesus wants to work through. But life with Jesus isn’t a masquerade ball, it’s raw and intimate and revealing. He sees me at my worst, when I feel filthy and disgusting, stuck in the sloppy mess of my sin. He knows my secret motives. He hears my worried thoughts. But the crazy thing is that he understands! He’s been there!

                 Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people.

                                 –Hebrews 2:17

He became a student of my insecurity so that he could plead with his father to hold back his wrath from me! WHAT!? WHO DOES THAT!? Well… Jesus does and in a million worrying years I could never understand why. But that makes it all the more beautiful.

I am no longer a slave to my insecurity. My old mind is dead and now I have the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16). It may not seem that way at the moment but I do not lose heart for “though [my] outer self is wasting away, [my] inner self is being renewed day by day… [I] look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16, 18). Jesus is eternal. Jesus is why I am no longer a slave. I think we all should go be with Jesus more.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s